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Will I be the Same After?

No.

You will never be the same again. This child is your son. For the rest of your life you are his mum.  You will carry him in your heart every day from here on out.

What form of ‘never be the same’ will you choose?

Will you have a memory box to take out, to browse through the thoughtful gifts of friends and family? Will you smile as you touch the precious mementos which your child used or wore? Do you want to see the photos where you held him close – a visual image of the position of your heart, every day?  Will you have hand prints and footprints on your kitchen shelf, reminding you of the little footprints which made their way into your life for a short while? These footprints will never fade in your heart.

Do you want to celebrate this baby who was so wanted & loved, every year on his birthday/anniversary? Do you want to have the freedom to celebrate him every other day of the year, if you so choose? Do you want to be able to talk to him whenever you remember him? Weep tears of remembrance, smile smiles of love?

You will never be the same again. At first you will remember with great pain. But your baby’s life will colour the grey canvass of grief. As time passes, these painful places will change & grow. They won’t go away. Rather they will transform into something new. What began as a dark hole will begin to show the tenderest signs of spring. Over time, these small beginnings grow up to become a place of remembrance for your little one. How or when it happened you will not know, but it will become a tranquil place to visit. The story of your child’s life will be written all over it, so no-one could appreciate it’s beauty as you do. You can come and go as you please. It is now a part of who you are.

You are not the person you used to be but you don’t want to be that person ever again. That person didn’t know your child.  You will know, love and treasure him forever.

Perhaps you would choose a different version of ‘never be the same again.’  I cannot speak about this version because I have not lived through it. I believe it should be listened to with great attention and care. And I believe we have much to learn from what we hear.

What I can say is this. To stay the same is not an option. There is no easy way through this crossroads. It is the road less travelled. And how you choose to step forward will make all the difference…

c.f. The Road not taken. By Robert Frost